Eliminate These Words and Phrases from Your Vocabulary When Talking to Your Teen about College

College planning with mother and daughter. Parents' words influence the tone of the college conversation.

In many ways, parents are the coxswains of the college process. We set the tone and pace. We encourage, cheer, and keep an eye out for hazards. We also have enormous influence over our children's overall application experience, how they feel about themselves during and after it, and how balanced their lives are throughout it.

Having supported students and parents through the process for 20 years (and having two of my own go through it), I know how hard this role is, and how easy it can be to say, "Move over! I'm rowing this boat." It's imperative that we don't. Instead, we must set up a process filled with student autonomy, joy, direction and balance.

The language we use when talking to our kids about college has enormous influence over how they (and you) experience the process.

Below are 10 words and phrases to eliminate from your vocabulary when talking to teens about college and suggested language to use instead.

1. Good School

   What does Good mean? It's a relative adjective. What is good for one student is awful for another. Try instead: "Right match" or "Right fit" or "That school has exciting opportunities for you."

   
   

2. We

   We aren't applying to school. Your child is. We didn't learn to ride a bike, drive a car, or swing on the monkey bars. Your child did. You were there to support and celebrate them. It's the same now. The pronoun shift will set a healthy boundary, reminding kids that this process is theirs. It will also give you a bit of emotional distance. You are over here living your life. They are over there navigating this process, asking for help when needed.

   
   

3. Perfect School

   There are no perfect schools, and there are no promises for four years of bliss.

   Try Instead: Potential for you to thrive.

   
   

4. Smart

   There are many types of intelligence. Avoid this overused, nonspecific word.

   Try Instead: Curious, industrious, creative, driven, quick, imaginative, intellectual, thoughtful, perceptive

   
   

5. Safety School

   There are no guarantees with admissions. Plus, "safety" has a negative connotation.

   Try instead: Likely School

   
   

6. Everyone

   Keep everyone out of the college process. Your child is thinking about "everyone" all the time. Make this about your child and only your child.

   
   

7. Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

   Nothing good comes from the infamous -oulda trio. The words set kids up for regret, resentment, and frustration. Stick to what IS.

   
   

8. I think you should...

   Adolescents are bombarded with people telling them what to do. A simple rephrasing will shift the power to them. Plus, asking questions, rather than giving directives, tends to open up conversation. Try Instead: Would you consider...?

   
   

9. You need to...

   Telling a teen, especially one stressed out about the college process, what they need to do is a sure way to fuel their anxiety and encourage shut down.

   Try instead: What do you think about...?

   
   

10. This is so stressful!

    This one is hard! The college process IS stressful. But it should also be joyful and meaningful. As adults, we need to bring balance to the process, and not fuel its imbalance. We need to remind kids that everything will be okay, that they are still them, regardless of where they go to college, and that when we say it, we mean it

    Try instead: Everything will work out.

And it will. Everything will work out. Your kid is applying to college, and that's a pretty great thing.

For college parent coaching, college application and college essay coaching, please check out our many online and in person opportunities at WordcraftCOLLEGE.

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